The parable of the unforgiving banker
Adapted from Matthew 18:23-35 2008
Therefore I say unto you that the Kingdom of Heaven is not unlike a certain ancient king called Gordon Brown, who wanted to reconcile accounts with his wayward subjects who had, upon his command as Lord Treasurer, gone forth and squandered the nation’s riches. When he had summoned them for reconciliation, the wickedest banker was brought unto to him who owed his Treasury the sum of ten thousand talents [a Roman talent in this context is taken to represent one million golden Scottish pounds]. But because he couldn’t pay, his lord Gordon commanded him to be sold, together with his wife, children, luxury yacht, exquisite mansion, beach homes, private jet and all his many mistresses, so that payment could be made. The CEO of the bank therefore fell down and kneeled before Gordon & his minister Alastair, saying unto them, ‘Lords, have patience with me, just give me another million of the good peoples’ talents at a lowly interest rate of only 1% and I will repay you richly, for it was not my fault that the devil had me laid all weekend and bewitched my senses with countless lines of cocaine and a dozen fresh flowers from the Samantha Bond modeling agency!’ King Gordon, being so moved by the sincere apology of his servant, did see fit to compassionately release him, forgiving him the entire debt and interest, deciding instead to throw in another seven hundred billion from the future earnings of his people to help out his old drinking associate from his days as Lord Treasurer.
The banker then issued forth from the palace in a rage of righteousness and did find one of his small businessmen who owed him the principal sum of one hundred denarii [one thousand golden pounds in today’s money], not to mention 18% compound interest and numerous banking fees which he had, in his mighty wisdom, seen fit to cast down upon the wretch. The banker grabbed him, and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe you poor miserable bastard!’ So the small businessman then fell down at his feet and did beg of him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, for I have six employees, a wife, and two small children, and I will repay you when the economy recovers from the recession that your own reckless gambling hath caused!’ But the banker, being the rightful creditor, showed the small businessman no mercy and went and cast him into debtor’s prison, until he should pay back that which he was due. So when the other small businessmen had seen what was done unto their kinsman by the fat banker, they were exceedingly sorry, and came and told unto their King Gordon that the banker was refusing to redistribute the talents that the King had fronted him from the people’s bottomless treasure chest of future earnings. Then the King called in the banker, and said to him, ‘I forgave you all your debt and foolishness, as you asked me so nicely. Don’t you think that you should pass some of the low interest 1% loan of £700 billion on at 18% APR and have mercy upon your small businessmen who are suffering in this economic climate of your making, even as I had mercy on you?’ Gordon was especially angry as the banker had continued to give bonuses to his favored servants, despite their grievous losses and delivered him unto the banker’s shareholders. The shareholders then did cry with one accord, ‘for the banker he is right. Although he did lose our money and then did go to the King and ask for some more future wealth to be taken from the taxpayer, if he did give the money back to the failing people in desperate need then we would not get our dividends next year. God may care for the poor, but we have mortgages on big houses to pay as well as next spring’s ski holiday’. They then did cry with one accord for the shareholders’ bubbly and the complementary young hostesses, the fruits of the poor. And lo, here endeth the parable of the rights of rich, for if you sin and steal from the poor, thou shalt be rewardeth in this life and live longer in luxury before the next one. For thou art to remember that although the true servants of the Lord may be nicer, nice people finish last and will receiveth their shares in Heaven…
Here endeth the gospel according to St. Matthew the banker…
Therefore I say unto you that the Kingdom of Heaven is not unlike a certain ancient king called Gordon Brown, who wanted to reconcile accounts with his wayward subjects who had, upon his command as Lord Treasurer, gone forth and squandered the nation’s riches. When he had summoned them for reconciliation, the wickedest banker was brought unto to him who owed his Treasury the sum of ten thousand talents [a Roman talent in this context is taken to represent one million golden Scottish pounds]. But because he couldn’t pay, his lord Gordon commanded him to be sold, together with his wife, children, luxury yacht, exquisite mansion, beach homes, private jet and all his many mistresses, so that payment could be made. The CEO of the bank therefore fell down and kneeled before Gordon & his minister Alastair, saying unto them, ‘Lords, have patience with me, just give me another million of the good peoples’ talents at a lowly interest rate of only 1% and I will repay you richly, for it was not my fault that the devil had me laid all weekend and bewitched my senses with countless lines of cocaine and a dozen fresh flowers from the Samantha Bond modeling agency!’ King Gordon, being so moved by the sincere apology of his servant, did see fit to compassionately release him, forgiving him the entire debt and interest, deciding instead to throw in another seven hundred billion from the future earnings of his people to help out his old drinking associate from his days as Lord Treasurer.
The banker then issued forth from the palace in a rage of righteousness and did find one of his small businessmen who owed him the principal sum of one hundred denarii [one thousand golden pounds in today’s money], not to mention 18% compound interest and numerous banking fees which he had, in his mighty wisdom, seen fit to cast down upon the wretch. The banker grabbed him, and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe you poor miserable bastard!’ So the small businessman then fell down at his feet and did beg of him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, for I have six employees, a wife, and two small children, and I will repay you when the economy recovers from the recession that your own reckless gambling hath caused!’ But the banker, being the rightful creditor, showed the small businessman no mercy and went and cast him into debtor’s prison, until he should pay back that which he was due. So when the other small businessmen had seen what was done unto their kinsman by the fat banker, they were exceedingly sorry, and came and told unto their King Gordon that the banker was refusing to redistribute the talents that the King had fronted him from the people’s bottomless treasure chest of future earnings. Then the King called in the banker, and said to him, ‘I forgave you all your debt and foolishness, as you asked me so nicely. Don’t you think that you should pass some of the low interest 1% loan of £700 billion on at 18% APR and have mercy upon your small businessmen who are suffering in this economic climate of your making, even as I had mercy on you?’ Gordon was especially angry as the banker had continued to give bonuses to his favored servants, despite their grievous losses and delivered him unto the banker’s shareholders. The shareholders then did cry with one accord, ‘for the banker he is right. Although he did lose our money and then did go to the King and ask for some more future wealth to be taken from the taxpayer, if he did give the money back to the failing people in desperate need then we would not get our dividends next year. God may care for the poor, but we have mortgages on big houses to pay as well as next spring’s ski holiday’. They then did cry with one accord for the shareholders’ bubbly and the complementary young hostesses, the fruits of the poor. And lo, here endeth the parable of the rights of rich, for if you sin and steal from the poor, thou shalt be rewardeth in this life and live longer in luxury before the next one. For thou art to remember that although the true servants of the Lord may be nicer, nice people finish last and will receiveth their shares in Heaven…
Here endeth the gospel according to St. Matthew the banker…
posted by The Angry Man at 6:04 AM
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