A tale of two airports – a dark portent

The lives of every person on the planet were transformed by the shockwaves and repercussions of 9/11. Whether by accident or design events such as 9/11, cataclysmic recessions or both, afford governments the opportunity to enforce sweeping changes. Just as Hitler used the incendiary destruction of the Reichstag in 1933 to blame the communists and thus instigate a ruthless persecution of political opponents and the suspension of civil liberties, so 9/11 has been used as a pretext to invade oil rich Iraq and establish a surveillance society who sworn intention it is to root terrorists from our midst. Whether Big Brother is actually more concerned with terrorists being at large or its subjects being at liberty is a more vexing question. Until the Utopian day dawns when the rich have robots that clean, cook, solve complex problems and provide them with sensuous sexual service, the stressed masses will remain their economic slaves and will face restrictions on their movement between countries, a situation which will only become worse with the advent of biometric passports, image recognition software and every conceivable tracking device from GPS implants and mobile phones to CCTV cameras. Such devices have already been placed in every carriage and on every street corner (there are already over 10 million active CCTV cameras in the UK alone).

Perhaps nowhere is the impact of such changes upon our lives more apparent than at the airport. In the nineties flying was still a fairly stressful affair, although there were attractive airline hostesses at hand to smile and to assure us, complementary glasses of wine to relax us, and on board entertainment to distract us from fearful possibilities. Airlines showed great flexibility in rescheduling missed flights and were less religious about time and space. Once in 1994 I recall that we were late for a flight from Miami and arrived relaxed at the entrance to the airport only half an hour before departure to New York. We calmly walked straight through all levels of airport security untroubled to the departure gate, and the only check we encountered was of our boarding passes as we took our seats five minutes before take off. In those days the longest element of air travel was the flight itself, but now of course it is mandatory (in the UK at least) to arrive at check in two hours before a one hour flight to another European country. With several hours to the airport, two hours waiting and an hour actually in flight, the crow suddenly seems to be the only aviator with the right idea.

BAA, the British cartel which retains financial control over the world’s busiest airport hub Heathrow, has recently been forced to sell Gatwick airport for £1.5 billion in a deal which revealed just how lucrative the ownership of an airport really is. A trip to Gatwick, for those who are not of City airport or Heathrow ‘class’, reveals just how bad things have become. After 9/11 most Western airports saw fit to institute a humiliating and intrusive series of queues and indignities upon their ‘customers’, from the tail back at check in, to the anxiety of personal scanners and the indignity of a personal body search and a partial striptease at the security gate. But don’t worry - any personal hygiene products over 100ml in size which are confiscated can be repurchased at inflated prices during your two hour visit to the shopping mall/waiting lounge, where constant reminders that you may inadvertently have forgotten to buy a present, book or entertainment device are illuminated before you in broad daylight. Of course by now, after hours of exhausting travel to the airport and ‘processing’ by check in and security staff, you must be thirsty, if not actually hungry. There is no need to fret as there are of course plenty of overpriced food and drink outlets to make the ordeal of holiday and business travel even more expensive than it already is.

Of course there is also the clinching million dollar question as to whether someone could theoretically have interfered with your baggage at some point between packing them and your arrival at the airport, to which the answer most logically and inevitably must be yes, possibly... This leaves many of us with the dreaded dilemma of deciding whether to risk losing another hour to the baggage carousel at the destination airport, or the nightmare possibility of having been used as an unwitting mule for drugs or worse. If some playful soul had slipped a small package or incriminating USB data key into your bag on the train, bus or taxi at some moment during which you were not staring attentively at your luggage, the task of explaining any illicit contraband away could be somewhat difficult. Ah well nevermind, it’s all just part of the fun and games of 21st Century air travel.

Gatwick is possibly the least aesthetically pleasing and least glamorous of the UK’s proliferation of ‘international’ airports (some twenty at the last count), and obtaining planning permission for yet another new airport seems largely to be a question of obtaining expensive planning permission rather than justifying a need or environmental impact. I strongly suspect that flights to and from City (London), Leicester and Coventry airports (which flies to Jersey) have more to do with the proliferation of private business jets than any need for convenient mass transportation. Such ‘private’ airports often have only token security measures.

Gatwick appears to need two separate security screens rather than one, doubtless for the gratification of the sexual fetishists who must naturally be drawn to a job which affords endless opportunities to grope, frisk and examine every firm bulge and contour of the endless queues of partially stripped travelers that await. I wonder, statistically speaking, if middle aged men get ‘frisked’ as often as young men and women in their sexual prime?

The departures lounge at most major airports is a giant mall, naturally making it more attractive than the rest of the airport, although that wouldn’t be difficult, especially in the case of Gatwick. At this gateway to Hell passengers are, for some curious reason, forced to wander like zombies without a destination for hours, anxiously waiting and incessantly checking for their departure gate to be announced on the board. I suspect that many of us spend the endless hours of waiting wandering around in a futile attempt not to any spend money. After five hours of travel, queuing and waiting most of us inevitably succumb to the temptation to buy coffee, a snack, something to read and a bottle of mouthwash. Would arriving at check in an hour before departure really threaten airline security or just the profits from the mall?

Finally, often only ten minutes before departure, the departure gate is lit up on the vast departure data board. Then begins the mad dash to navigate the half mile to the final processing point. At last, after a day of packing, travel to the airport, waiting, queuing and fretting, you are ready to board your short haul flight to Europe. It is a shame that the once generous hospitality the airlines exhibited has been replaced by a culture of thrift and an obsession with margin. Ryan air now charge for passengers to use the toilet, EasyJet charge £4 for a bottle of water on a return flight from a hot climate, and a small bottle of wine is another dip into the pocket. We are of course expected to blame the terrorists for our stress and inconvenience, although not all of us are that stupid. Personally I would rather face an additional one in a million chance of being blown up in mid air or by a car bomb than suffer the stress and indignity of modern air travel. Let’s face it - you’re going to need a holiday when you get there.

The absurdity of ‘heightened security’ at UK and US airports becomes clearer before the return flight. Most international European airports are clean, light, modern, well ventilated and have inspired architecture. Once again air travel becomes a pleasure. The more liberal Dutch are masters of the art of relaxed travel, with a minimum of security, helpful services, and a free art gallery available at Schiphol airport for those who make the mistake of arriving too early for their flight. You wander in to the airport, check in electronically at your leisure and then head to the departures lounge with only the customary flash of a passport and boarding ticket. A casual migration past bookstores, massage stools and art exhibits follows, and you can elect to head to the departure lounge at any time you choose because the departure gate is displayed some 3 to 5 hours before take off. Surprisingly, I haven’t heard of any planes being blown up in mid air after leaving Schiphol, and one feels surprisingly free from the menace of armed security guards carrying machine guns. What a relaxing return from Amsterdam it was. Alas all good things must come to an end, and it was only a shame that the departure gate was manned by British airways staff armed with their own personal scanners and two, yes two check in points within five yards of one another. Clearly the lady who had checked the boarding cards and passports at the first check in point must have been visually impaired. Still there was enough time to confiscate my carry on bag which had comfortably fitted into the overhead storage compartments on the way over and condemn me to yet another hour in front of the baggage carousel at Gatwick…