Naming the Beast – Part II

Even the End Times need a little entertainment, and so today we select the front runners for who will ultimately reveal themselves to be the true antichrist. Well, from the Bible and associated creative supplements, we know he’s inhumanly handsome, charismatic, a present or future world leader, will have addressed the UN, possesses an unusual birthmark or numerical calling card, will rise in the east, seems a lot nicer than he really is, wants total world domination, and will destroy the world on a bad hair day. So who are the leading candidates, front runners, and dark horses to become history's all-time ultimate bad guy? You mean worse than Hitler, Stalin & Nero? Yep, we sure do. We’ll start with the outsiders and weigh up the pros and the big cons with a little points tally. Please note that this list should be taken with a pinch of salt which should be thrown over your shoulder into the eye of any End Times devotees.

Sir Tim Berners-Lee
Odds:100-1

Sir Tim Berners-Lee is a distinguished mathematician educated at Queen's College, Oxford (for whom he played tiddlywinks against Cambridge (-1 point). So far, so innocuous, but whilst at Oxford he was caught hacking and was subsequently banned from using the University computer (+1). Sir Tim is of course famous for inventing the World Wide Web for which he has received more honours than a trumphant Roman general (+1). The Bible predicts that during the time of Tribulation anyone who wants to buy or to sell must wear the mark or stamp of the beast which is uncanny, as the letters WWW apparently equate to 666, well at least according to Cambridge calculations (well there’s +5 points right there!). Unfortunately he is only modestly handsome (+1), although he did spend plenty of time underground working with CERN (+1). Sir Tim is however a distant second to Bill Gates in dominating the World Wide Web despite having had a flying start (-1). Also he has shown surprisingly little interest in taking over the world, instead seeming to prefer a rather low profile (-2). Grand Total (5/10). Comments: Rank outsider.

Bill Gates 13/1

Definitely a promising candidate, given that Microsoft is widely demonised (+3 points). Bill has shown that he can overturn any US anti-Trust court judgement (+2), and virtually rules the Internet with opposition only from Yahoo and Google (+3). However he’s talking about retiring soon (-2), possibly with a view to going into politics (+2). Add to this that the fact he’s not considered good looking by most rock star groupies (-2), although most intellectual women think he’s a dish (+2). Grand Wizard Total (8/10). Comments: Needs to make a clear bid for the Whitehouse to become a real contender.

Bono 11/2

Rock Star who knows everyone, rubs shoulders with all the rich, the famous & the powerful (+4 points). Bono is devastatingly handsome (+3), charismatic (+2) and inexhaustible, as his career already spans three ten year compilation albums (+1). Bono has addressed the Labour Party conference and numerous right-wing organisations (+2), despite being an ardent left-wing campaigner (-2). He is a part-owner of a war game that simulates the invasion of Venezuela in the year 2007 (+1), and took the decision to buy a 40%, £160 million share in pro-capitalist, right-wing Forbes magazine (+1). Everyone loves him (+1) as Bono has done many good works (-3), and Bono regularly campaigns for peace and the abolition of poverty (-2). Favours a narcissistic demonic character in many rock videos (+5), although he appears on most TV and love ballads as a good guy (-5). Ireland’s biggest tax exile (+2) with a big heart (-2). Grand Total (9/10). Comments: Needs to make his move for power or to address the UN to make favourite.

Tony Blair 9/2

Aspirations, charisma and charm make him a poll favourite (+3 points). Fulfils prophesy about bringing peace then war (+3), is a former lawyer (+2 right there), and lusts for power (+2). May address the UN (+2 points pending), and certainly has been known to lie on occasion (+2). Accused of having the Evil Eye (+1) by conservative politicians (-2), and is only devilishly handsome in the eyes of Cherie Blair and David Blunkett (-2). May soon confirm the prophesy by rising to power through the Seven Hills of Rome (the EU) by riding a head of the red beast (coincidentally the colour of the Labour Party), which rises to power from the sea (the UK is an island: altogether compelling stuff - +4 points pending). Grand Total (9/10) with 6 points still pending! Comments: Move to become EU president would definitely make him #1.

The Pope 4/1

Trail-blazing late entrant. Only recently elected Pope, despite being former member of the SS Hitler Youth (+4 points and a good start). Has recently started attacking Islam as a violent religion (+2) and capped that off with anti-Semitic interpretations of the symbolism of the Cross (+4). However he is not very handsome (-1), although he did rise in the East (+1). Pope Benedict has a global platform of power (+1) and seems determined to start a religious war (+2), although his age may weigh against him (-3). Grand Total (10/10). Comments: Dark Horse – we’ll need to see if he calls for another crusade or whips Islam up into a state of Jihad before backing him…

George W. Bush 3/2 favourite

Seems to love Biblical prophesy (+2 points), and is an ardent crusader (+4) who makes attacking the Middle East a priority (+5). Loves threatening all nations with his power (+2), and would dearly love to invade Syria, site of Megiddo, the predicted location of the final battle Armageddon (+6). Has sinister charisma (+2), despite having no apparent ability to construct a coherent sentence unaided, and has threatened Middle East with World War Three (+2). (23/10) Comments: Off the chart. Clear front-runner, just one nuke from clinching the title.

So place your bets - with the End Timers putting down all their money this sweepstake should turn out to be more lucrative than a national lottery. Please select your favourite and send it on a postcard to:

President George W. Bush
Spot the Antichrist Competition
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500, USA.


Disclaimer. This article is intended in humour and the author does not believe, or intend to infer that any of the aforementioned individuals is, was or ever will be the antichrist, nor does the author believe in such a literal manifestation of evil, or for that matter in the validity of the End Time literature.